This post isn’t about Aladdin or Katie Price & Peter Andre duetting 😂.
After reading Sophie Hagen’s book Happy Fat I created a new Instagram page and starting following those in the plus size world. I’m always conscious I get terminology wrong or don’t use the correct phrases so if I use something out of date or offensive please call me on it – this is a very new place for me.
Beforehand I was the only big girl in my life. There isn’t anyone I’m friends with, related to or interact with at work or online who is as big as me. I lived in a world where I stood out – I was the presence in the room before I opened my mouth. I had just got used to shying into myself when the diet chat started or the fat jokes came out.
I, of course, have friends and family who try to lose weight and don’t like their bodies. To me they are already thin. However I don’t judge, I genuinely don’t. I used to think they were mad and want to scream ‘you could look like me! Be grateful you don’t ’ – but I now understand everyone is on a different journey and how they feel isn’t my business. They’ll never understand how I feel and why should they? They aren’t me.
In Sophie’s book she tells you to surround yourself with bigger people online. Make it a norm. She advised that you may recoil at bigger bodies when they are in front of your face as it’s new to you. We are filled every day with thin bodies – tv, work, social media, adverts etc etc. You don’t realise how much fatter bodies are hidden away. Like a shame.
I am mortified to say I did recoil. I was shocked and hated what I saw. People who look like me! My brain wasn’t used to seeing bigger bodies doing normal things. I was trained to think these were bad images.
I thought about my interests and what I follow on my main Instagram account. The account where I shy away from full length photos of myself and apply filters. I then purposely looked for people to follow with the same interests but with bigger bodies. It has opened my eyes to a Whole New World. A world where I fit in. Some accounts are pushing body positivity, some don’t mention it. My daily life now sees and speaks to people who I relate to. My initial recoiling has gone and although of course I’m ashamed of my initial reaction, I understand it and I’ve got over it.
When I first started I imagined lots of ‘big girls rule’ and naked fat bodies trying to prove they can be sexy. Whilst there is some of that, the same way there is in the thinner world, there is also beauty posts, work chat, relationship advice and day to day living.
Now when I read their posts or look at pictures I don’t feel the sense of I’ll never be that thin or beautiful. Or I’m a failure they look perfect and I’m not. I actually feel good, want to interact and be me! Please don’t think this is because I see fat bodies and think I’m better or that I don’t want to look like them. No! It’s because their size isn’t the first thing I focus on. I focus on their views, their clothing, their make up, the stories they share. All the things I’m interested in and of course there are plenty I want to look like/be like but it’s in awe and admiration not shame and sadness. I’m now in a world I fit in. A diverse, open and relaxed world.
The other day I woke up and felt great. I had worn tiny shorts and a vest to bed as it’s so warm. When I walked by the mirror I didn’t cringe or roll my eyes as I’d normally do. So, I have no idea what possessed me to stand on the scales?? They showed me I’m 2lbs heavier than the last time I stood on them. Instantly my great mood dropped. Over 2lbs?!! A tiny 2lbs? A 2lbs, that if I’d lost at one of my numerous diet classes, I’d have been gutted to lose. Thinking it wasn’t enough and that I’d been so good all week why hadn’t I lost half a stone!! They need to go in the bin. They didn’t show me my loyalty, my crazy sense of humour, my winning smile, my ability to be a good – a really good- friend or how much resilience i have in any situation. Yet I focus on the 2lbs. F4ck you scales! I got lovely comments and motivation from the people I interact with and none focused on my size. No one said ‘oh your not thar big’ or ‘you have a beautiful face’ – they said things like ‘size doesn’t define you’ or ‘you are enough’ – the focus on weight and size is gone. Of course bigger people know they are bigger but it doesn’t have to be the focus of every day life.
I want to get healthier as I don’t have a great diet at the moment. We are on lockdown and routines are up in the air so I’m not going to stress myself out with it right now. I have met so many lovely people on my new account and I’m starting to share my life as me, not the filtered photos I have on my main account.
I have always loved to dress up. My auntie once told me that ‘it’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed’ and I’ve lived my life that way since I was a teenager. I love fashion and hair and make up. In the last year I’ve not been me. I’ve had a lot of change – divorce, moving home and town, redundancy and forming a new relationship I didn’t expect or actually really want ay first. Every day life I know – I’m luckier than some but it took my mojo away. I’ve now got a new lease for life since meeting new people. People who wear what they want and look immense. I’ve been introduced to new plus size clothing shops I didn’t know existed and I’m started to build up my confidence in what i wear again.
I turn 40 next year and like most people (I think!) I was dreading it! However this past month has changed my view and I’m honestly looking forward to this next chapter in my life. I may be fat, skinny or somewhere in the middle – who knows? What I do know is I’ll be more confident and I’ll still be that loyal, funny, resilient, amazing friend I’ve always been 😁.
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