As of a few months ago I gradually took the conscious decision to remove things that made me feel ashamed to be fat.
I removed myself from face to face conversations where diets were constantly spoken about, from group chats where pictures of women in underwear of my shape and size were used in ridicule or joke and from all diet and fitness social media contacts.
I knew I was immersed in a world of fat hating but I honestly didn’t realise how much until I removed all this and found myself quite isolated with less conversation.
My whole world revolves around apologising for my size. I constantly listen to people on diets, talking about going on diets, scrutinising their lunch, feeling awful as they missed a gym class, it goes on an on. When people make fun of fat people my size I get embarrassed and try not to make them feel uncomfortable (wtf I know!).
The worst thing for me was how much I also revolved my whole life around this, I laughed at the pictures, the jokes, moaned about not fitting into clothes, voiced how guilty I was at my fatty lunch and beat myself up for giving up my personal trainer.
I can’t enjoy anything in the here and now. I’m waiting on this big happy life turnaround as a skinny me. Every future event or plan I make, I don’t imagine it with fat me. I see thin me loving life. I don’t picture me as my fat self in any situation that’s happy. Every event with me as fat is seen as sad and worthless.
I started reading a book by Sophie Hagen called Happy Fat. She gives an insight into her life, her journey, interviews with others who aren’t seen as ‘society acceptable’ and gives advice on how to start your own journey. One of her tips was to start to introduce fat people into your social media. She made a really frightening point that I was ashamed to admit. No one likes to look at fat people. Even fat people hate looking at other fat people. My whole social media is the full of thin people. No diversity what so ever. By filling your viewing space with fatter people you are opening your eyes to normal life. Not everyone is the perfect image we have in our heads, our conversations and our social media.
I was apprehensive doing this as I didn’t want to only follow ‘body positive’ accounts. However this is where my brain is so warped.. fat people actually play sport, they cook, they do beauty blogs, they read, they sing etc etc. It wasn’t about only following the ‘I love fat’ accounts it was about ensuring my life and interests included all sizes and weren’t only about the ideal social media persona.
It made me reopen my Fatty Instagram, look at my blog and try to move towards some sort of acceptance of the size I am here and now. I posted photos that I’ve had in my phone and no one had ever seen as they didn’t make the cut to be shown. My fat will be on show, my hair won’t be perfect but it’s me.
This is a bit of a rambling first time back to get me in the writing mode. More to follow …..
fattymcslimblog 