Size fatty striving to be size skinny
So, here comes another blog about being fat, trying to lose weight, loving cakes, never fitting into a size 8, bla bla bla! It’s a hot topic with many different views, but on this blog, you’ll only hear mine, my struggle with being fat, pretending I am fine about it and living in a world where some (although a minority) celebrate it and most are disgusted.
Welcome to my world, the world of Fatty McSlim
This post isn’t about Aladdin or Katie Price & Peter Andre duetting 😂.
After reading Sophie Hagen’s book Happy Fat I created a new Instagram page and starting following those in the plus size world. I’m always conscious I get terminology wrong or don’t use the correct phrases so if I use something out of date or offensive please call me on it – this is a very new place for me.
Beforehand I was the only big girl in my life. There isn’t anyone I’m friends with, related to or interact with at work or online who is as big as me. I lived in a world where I stood out – I was the presence in the room before I opened my mouth. I had just got used to shying into myself when the diet chat started or the fat jokes came out.
I, of course, have friends and family who try to lose weight and don’t like their bodies. To me they are already thin. However I don’t judge, I genuinely don’t. I used to think they were mad and want to scream ‘you could look like me! Be grateful you don’t ’ – but I now understand everyone is on a different journey and how they feel isn’t my business. They’ll never understand how I feel and why should they? They aren’t me.
In Sophie’s book she tells you to surround yourself with bigger people online. Make it a norm. She advised that you may recoil at bigger bodies when they are in front of your face as it’s new to you. We are filled every day with thin bodies – tv, work, social media, adverts etc etc. You don’t realise how much fatter bodies are hidden away. Like a shame.
I am mortified to say I did recoil. I was shocked and hated what I saw. People who look like me! My brain wasn’t used to seeing bigger bodies doing normal things. I was trained to think these were bad images.
I thought about my interests and what I follow on my main Instagram account. The account where I shy away from full length photos of myself and apply filters. I then purposely looked for people to follow with the same interests but with bigger bodies. It has opened my eyes to a Whole New World. A world where I fit in. Some accounts are pushing body positivity, some don’t mention it. My daily life now sees and speaks to people who I relate to. My initial recoiling has gone and although of course I’m ashamed of my initial reaction, I understand it and I’ve got over it.
When I first started I imagined lots of ‘big girls rule’ and naked fat bodies trying to prove they can be sexy. Whilst there is some of that, the same way there is in the thinner world, there is also beauty posts, work chat, relationship advice and day to day living.
Now when I read their posts or look at pictures I don’t feel the sense of I’ll never be that thin or beautiful. Or I’m a failure they look perfect and I’m not. I actually feel good, want to interact and be me! Please don’t think this is because I see fat bodies and think I’m better or that I don’t want to look like them. No! It’s because their size isn’t the first thing I focus on. I focus on their views, their clothing, their make up, the stories they share. All the things I’m interested in and of course there are plenty I want to look like/be like but it’s in awe and admiration not shame and sadness. I’m now in a world I fit in. A diverse, open and relaxed world.
The other day I woke up and felt great. I had worn tiny shorts and a vest to bed as it’s so warm. When I walked by the mirror I didn’t cringe or roll my eyes as I’d normally do. So, I have no idea what possessed me to stand on the scales?? They showed me I’m 2lbs heavier than the last time I stood on them. Instantly my great mood dropped. Over 2lbs?!! A tiny 2lbs? A 2lbs, that if I’d lost at one of my numerous diet classes, I’d have been gutted to lose. Thinking it wasn’t enough and that I’d been so good all week why hadn’t I lost half a stone!! They need to go in the bin. They didn’t show me my loyalty, my crazy sense of humour, my winning smile, my ability to be a good – a really good- friend or how much resilience i have in any situation. Yet I focus on the 2lbs. F4ck you scales! I got lovely comments and motivation from the people I interact with and none focused on my size. No one said ‘oh your not thar big’ or ‘you have a beautiful face’ – they said things like ‘size doesn’t define you’ or ‘you are enough’ – the focus on weight and size is gone. Of course bigger people know they are bigger but it doesn’t have to be the focus of every day life.
I want to get healthier as I don’t have a great diet at the moment. We are on lockdown and routines are up in the air so I’m not going to stress myself out with it right now. I have met so many lovely people on my new account and I’m starting to share my life as me, not the filtered photos I have on my main account.
I have always loved to dress up. My auntie once told me that ‘it’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed’ and I’ve lived my life that way since I was a teenager. I love fashion and hair and make up. In the last year I’ve not been me. I’ve had a lot of change – divorce, moving home and town, redundancy and forming a new relationship I didn’t expect or actually really want ay first. Every day life I know – I’m luckier than some but it took my mojo away. I’ve now got a new lease for life since meeting new people. People who wear what they want and look immense. I’ve been introduced to new plus size clothing shops I didn’t know existed and I’m started to build up my confidence in what i wear again.
I turn 40 next year and like most people (I think!) I was dreading it! However this past month has changed my view and I’m honestly looking forward to this next chapter in my life. I may be fat, skinny or somewhere in the middle – who knows? What I do know is I’ll be more confident and I’ll still be that loyal, funny, resilient, amazing friend I’ve always been 😁.
As of a few months ago I gradually took the conscious decision to remove things that made me feel ashamed to be fat.
I removed myself from face to face conversations where diets were constantly spoken about, from group chats where pictures of women in underwear of my shape and size were used in ridicule or joke and from all diet and fitness social media contacts.
I knew I was immersed in a world of fat hating but I honestly didn’t realise how much until I removed all this and found myself quite isolated with less conversation.
My whole world revolves around apologising for my size. I constantly listen to people on diets, talking about going on diets, scrutinising their lunch, feeling awful as they missed a gym class, it goes on an on. When people make fun of fat people my size I get embarrassed and try not to make them feel uncomfortable (wtf I know!).
The worst thing for me was how much I also revolved my whole life around this, I laughed at the pictures, the jokes, moaned about not fitting into clothes, voiced how guilty I was at my fatty lunch and beat myself up for giving up my personal trainer.
I can’t enjoy anything in the here and now. I’m waiting on this big happy life turnaround as a skinny me. Every future event or plan I make, I don’t imagine it with fat me. I see thin me loving life. I don’t picture me as my fat self in any situation that’s happy. Every event with me as fat is seen as sad and worthless.
I started reading a book by Sophie Hagen called Happy Fat. She gives an insight into her life, her journey, interviews with others who aren’t seen as ‘society acceptable’ and gives advice on how to start your own journey. One of her tips was to start to introduce fat people into your social media. She made a really frightening point that I was ashamed to admit. No one likes to look at fat people. Even fat people hate looking at other fat people. My whole social media is the full of thin people. No diversity what so ever. By filling your viewing space with fatter people you are opening your eyes to normal life. Not everyone is the perfect image we have in our heads, our conversations and our social media.
I was apprehensive doing this as I didn’t want to only follow ‘body positive’ accounts. However this is where my brain is so warped.. fat people actually play sport, they cook, they do beauty blogs, they read, they sing etc etc. It wasn’t about only following the ‘I love fat’ accounts it was about ensuring my life and interests included all sizes and weren’t only about the ideal social media persona.
It made me reopen my Fatty Instagram, look at my blog and try to move towards some sort of acceptance of the size I am here and now. I posted photos that I’ve had in my phone and no one had ever seen as they didn’t make the cut to be shown. My fat will be on show, my hair won’t be perfect but it’s me.
This is a bit of a rambling first time back to get me in the writing mode. More to follow …..
I used to be a huge advocate of ASOS. They were the first online store, in my experience, to offer the same range of clothes across sizes but cut to suit the shape. An extra dart here, slightly longer in length etc allowed me to buy clothes I loved and wanted not just clothes that fitted me.
More recently I’ve become frustrated with their range. At least 80% of their clothing size uk 18 and above sits in their Tall or maternity range. What is that all about?? Yes I know I can I filter them out but my point is how the majority of their bigger sizes sit in these ranges.
They now use models with stretch marks and bigger bellies and they also give you a size suggestion based on previous purchases which I do love but I’m neither pregnant or tall so why do I need to sift through these ranges just to get something in my size.
I haven’t bought clothes in ages, which is surprising for me. Even though I’m bigger I haven’t had many issues buying clothes I’ve liked. Up until now.
River Island – got me excited when they launched their bigger range. The prices were ridiculous but it was a start. Fast forward a year and there is no sign of the range in the stores, even those who stocked them before. Have the whole world really gone on a diet and there is no demand anymore. I doubt that….
New Look – not one store I’ve been in stocks the larger range anymore except a handful who have one sale rail next to their maternity range…..
I may get pushback in terms of how retailers are moving shopping online to suit consumer buying but both these stores have gone through a huge expansion in my local area and taken up bigger premises to stock a wider range of mainstream clothes yet taken away their bigger ranges.
The plus size market is huge, the money that could be made in this section is phenomenal, yet no store wants to be associated with a hoard of fatties mingling through their rails.
Chi chi – I used to adore this range but now every dress or skirt I love is in the main range whilst the ‘curve’ section has the same flowery unflattering choices. I even emailed to ask why I can’t just buy a dress in their main range in a bigger size and I got the usual standard parrot fashion response about customer demand and reviewing ranges every year. Bla bla
My ultimate dream would be to sell a clothing line for uk size 18 and above.
I have put so much work into trying to source suppliers and it’s so frustrating. Why is their no one out there who wants to design and make beautiful clothing for anyone over a UK size 18?
I mention it a lot but my twitter feed is full of bigger woman and their views and I love it. Most recently there had been an increase in tweets about celebrity endorsed ‘plus size ranges’ and how it was laughable and most don’t go above a size 22 and others even as low as a 16.
Kelly brooks underwear range for New Look many years ago was the first time I noticed how ridiculous it was. She had bras going up to G but knickers stopped at a 14. There was a huge market there to be taken and instead she targeted those with the same body shape as hers. The sale rail said it all – bras in F & G with no kickers left.
whether you think being a size 18-30 and beyond is healthy, unhealthy, personal choice or a drudge on society – we still need clothes. If you baulk at retailers selling this size range, imagine your face if we all had to walk about naked!
I’m off to enjoy my Sunday in my elasticated leggings and baggy t shirt 🙋🏼♀️💋💋💋
This blog is less ‘I’m fat and want to rant about my fat life’ and more a general observation on what makes us happy.
I wrote previously about how I involuntary reacted to a body shaming incident by not speaking up and feeling my presence in the room made it awkward for the shamers.
I have always suffered from crippling low self esteem. Unless you really know me this will come as a surprise likely.
The talkative and crazy girl who overshares and wears loud make up and bright clothes could never have confidence issues…..
Even when I was thinner and at school, were I never struggled with my grades or passing exams, I did struggle with ‘fitting in’. I’m an introvert but funnily enough I had surrounded myself with extroverts and those who thrive on company.
I prefer closer friendships with a few people rather than a wide range of friends. This left me quite isolated as I surrounded myself with those who were the opposite. It likely made me come across as clingy and attention seeking but I have just always been more comfortable with one on one friendships. However a part of me longs to be able to have large groups of friends.
This has carried on as I’ve grown up but I’ve learned to embrace this and although I sometimes look at larger groups of friends out having drinks or going on holiday and think ‘how nice’ – I know being part of that would likely increase my anxiety to a level I don’t want to go back to.
I’ve been on a journey of body acceptance. I wouldn’t say I’m a huge advocate of body positivity for all or that I promote this at all times but I try to do this for me. I have been working on changing my mindset to love and accept all of me – physical and behavioural.
I read this tweet the other day from a girl who has obviously battled with her weight but has begun a journey to address this and now believes she used ‘body positivity to mask a dislike she had for her own body’
I still struggle with the argument that no one is happy fat. Is this true? Is it a mask and when you suddenly lose weight you can drop this and admit being fat to you is wrong?
I’ve been thin, chubby, fat and now verging obese. I have been happy, deliriously happy, sad and heartbroken but I don’t recall any of these feelings 100% relating to my size at the time. Yes I always thought being thin would change my life but in reality this is never the case – for me anyway.
Does this mean I’m hiding behind a mask and need to admit a truth to myself? Yes I would love to get some weight off and my size does get in the way of some aspects of my life but I genuinely don’t think it’s the key to my happiness?
This tweet from the girl who has lost her weight is quite judgemental – it shocked me that coming from a place where she felt she had to promote body positivity just to deal with her size – that she now feels it’s ok to tell others what’s ok and what’s not ok. I don’t know her full story though.
The recent cancer awareness campaign has also caused outrage as the claim is that obesity is directly related to cancer. There have been cries of body shaming and protests to remove this from the adverts.
I am a plus size blogger but I try not to judge others. Everyone has their own journey, views and passions. I am trying to do everything with kindness which may make me boring and seen as having no real opinions. However I don’t like conflict, I don’t debate and I don’t know anyone else’s story.
It MUST be to lose weight.
Then there is me… still drinking prosecco, still eating the chocolate. I’m the person who’s desk is piled with all the treats my work mates bring in from home after the Christmas break to get rid of as they start their diets.
Thinking back on all the times I joined a gym or started running or signed up for my umpteenth diet class, I don’t think any have been in January.
I can’t think of anything worse, when it’s cold, wet, dark and you are waiting what feels like 2 months for your next wage, than to start overhauling my eating and exercise habits.
I sometimes feel like I’m supposed to want to eat less and take up kick boxing. That my fatness means I should automatically want to do this? I really don’t though? Especially not in January.
I’m quite happy to keep using my extra fat to keep me warm and to join the non existent McDonald queue.
Best of luck to all you gym goers and Veganuary resolutioners though – I’d love your commitment.
I have one resolution this year – to write more lists. In fact even try for one list. My unorganised, scatty, non productive life is now out of control. I can’t even pass it off as ‘just the way I am,’ ‘winging it’ or the ‘fake it until I make it’ crap I regularly try and convince myself it is.
Yesterday I reached out to my Facebook pals as I’m honestly a barely functioning adult, this was my plea;
Here’s my dilemma (yes it’s a first world problem 💁🏼♀️)
It’s just after 12noon, I don’t have children to look after and no job to go to today either.
My bedroom looks like a 15 year old girl sleeps in it – a riot mess
I still have a jammies on, albeit with a clean bra on (achievement 1)
I have the remains of make up on that I put on at 6am YESTERDAY
My living room is a mix of wet hung up washing and piles of clean unironed clothes
I have 6 bottles of prosecco, 4 eggs, a tub of butter and tomatoes that went out of date on 13th December in my fridge
I’ve taken my wee dog out for a big walk (achievement 2) – but yep I wore the jammies under a coat and it’s the only reason I put on a bra
How do normal women function?? I see you with multiple kids, jobs, a husband/wife/partner, dogs/other animals and you actually look great, go out and do activities and don’t live like an unorganised messy riot like me.
Help??!!!!
It’s actually tragic 🤦🏼♀️. I’ve managed to strip my bed today but I’m lying back in it minus the covers….
Today’s list:
Please don’t think I have to remind myself to wash 😂😂, it’s more a prompt to pamper myself after the hard day I’ll have doing my list 😂😂😂😂
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Love Fatty
xxx
I’ve thought about writing this for a good while now. Many bloggers I admire and follow have covered this topic including; sex as a fatty (please don’t worry I am not going there, no need to stop reading 😜), online dating as a fat person as well as other trials and tribulations as we wade through the dating world.
A few things you should know first of all:
1) I’m 37, so on the wrong side of 30. The side when supposedly women are at desperate stages to find ‘the one’ so they can fertilise their already drying up eggs. 🤷🏼♀️. I’m asked constantly if I want kids and when I say I’m not sure I can see the pity in their eyes at how I don’t realise it’s too late. Thanks 🙄. If I say yes I do want kids I’m also told I shouldn’t tell men this as I’ll come across as desperate – ok thanks, again… 🙄. Don’t even ask me what reaction I get if I say I don’t want them!
2) I’m divorced, so already have the big ‘failure at life’, sign permanently above my head. I’m washed up and on the shelf in some eyes. Used goods – yep that phrase has been offered to me.
3) I’m fat, so limited in the kind of men who’d find me attractive apparently. Old, dried up eggs, used goods AND fat, I’d be as well giving up now eh? 😂😂😂
4) Finally I am of the older generation who remembers life without mobile phones and social media in my teenage years and early 20’s which is when I last took part in the dreaded word – dating! I’ll never forget my panic at being sent a private Instagram message from a guy I didn’t match with on one of the dating sites. I wondered how he got my profile and he told me one of my dating pictures showed my Instagram name in the background and if I didn’t want the attention I should be more careful.
To say it has been an experience is an understatement. I find myself thinking and saying things I would have as a teenager.
My married/coupled up friends are sympathetic but I can also see the horror in their eyes as I ask them why a guy has ‘liked’ another girls selfie, should I accept this as reasonable behaviour or when ask them to decipher a text for hidden meanings. 3am calls in tears because you don’t know if he likes you really don’t cut it when your best pal is up in 3 hours for work.
My poor brother is also demented with me as Ive tried to use him to get a guys view. He looks at me with distress as I read out the 10th text message and just fills my wine glass again and again to get me to shut up.
You may laugh but I’m telling you it gets you that crazy. As a smug married (although I wouldn’t ever have admitted that at the time), I would smile and tell my single friends the grass is always greener and how one day they will meet someone and they have plenty of time. When they were upset or annoyed at a guy I’d tell them to man up and give him it straight- what an absolute cow I was 😂😂😂. I didn’t have a clue.
As part of my divorce I started meditating, reading self help books and generally doing all I could to ensure I was able to cope with life on my own. A lot of it was helpful and has given me a good foundation to move on. What wasn’t particularly helpful was the numerous quotes, advice and knowledge bestowed on you in terms of how to date. I’ve picked a few of my favourites to share with you;
Ok does this mean every day, every hour? What? Am I allowed to freak if he takes a while to text back? What if he hates phone calls? Should he still make an effort as he likes me? When you say ‘wants me’ how will he say it? Is buying me dinner or telling me he likes my laugh enough to mean ‘care?’ I need specifics people! Im the type of wife who’d genuinely do this:
You still don’t understand why I’m divorced I know….😂😂😂. I like attention and lots of it so I’m in danger of taking these quotes a bit too literally. This is another hidden gem;
What about girl power (Im defo a 90’s girl you can tell…) – what happened to being a strong independent woman? If I like a guy am I not allowed to say? I’ve got to wait to be pursued? Say I don’t and I make the first move, does this mean in 3 months I’ll sit reading this page from a book and start counting up all the perceived effort I’ve made versus what effort I perceive he has made? Will I then decide I am a loser and he doesn’t like me that much? Yes you are correct as this is exactly what I do.
My brain is honestly fried.
Social media is worse. You can see what photos they ‘like’ what comments they make and how many girl vs guy friends they have. Who knew the dilemma of becoming ‘Facebook official’ would rank so highly in my worries as a 37 year old professional woman..
To add to this; is an uploaded photo and tag together in same location seen as official, in fact is this even allowed? How far in do you get before you can do this? 3 weeks? 3 months?? Is it changing your profile photo to one of you together that is seen as official, or do you need to actually change your relationship status – SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
Next comes the comparison. When your with someone or married for a long time you get used to certain things. I’m not sure if I just trained him well or if this was his nature, too long ago to remember, but my ex always gave compliments and he genuinely meant them.
I take a lot of pride in my appearance, you’ll see from previous blogs, I’m a girly girl and I like make up and clothes. To make serious effort for a night out and to be met just by a smile and ‘hiya’ is a serious blow to the ego. This again is apparently a ‘sign’ he’s not that into you as he would definitely tell you if he thought you looked good….. wouldn’t he??!! 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ . How about if you upload a picture to Instagram and he likes it, is this a good thing? But then he also likes other girls photos so how does this make you any different from them?
I also wear my heart on my sleeve and say it as it is. If I like you I tell you, if I miss you I tell you and if I feel like sending 10 kisses at the end of a text I do this too. Again this is not the thing to do. It shows I’m too keen.
I remember wine fuelled talks with my coupled friends laughing and joking at the things we’d get stressed about as a teenager. Mocking ourselves and silently patting our own backs at how far we’d come on. Yes that worked out well for me.
When I was in my teens I was part of a really close group of girls who did everything together. We used to joke that we’d all end up spinsters and live on spinster hill. I was the first one to get married but now the majority of them are all settled down. I’m back in spinster hill myself and judging by my dating life in the past few months I think I might just stay here….. 😉
Love Fatty xx
Tuesday afternoon I take a short walk from my work to the building marked on the weight watchers website that will host my nearest meeting.
I walk into the corporate style building that hosts a fancy reception desk and even fancier receptionists smiling at visitors, knowing they wouldn’t look out of place on the Victoria secret catwalk.
“I’m looking for the weight watchers class,” I try to whisper as an equally gorgeous model, but of the male variety signs a visitors book next to me.
” weight watchers?? This building hosts businesses you are in the wrong place.” She bellows across the atrium as if I’m on the other side of the street and not inches away from her.
I tell her thanks and move to the side burning in shame and avoiding all eye contact with anyone else near me. I check the website and it definitely says this building so I go to call the weight watchers leader and before I get a chance to press dial I hear the same receptionist shout ‘that woman over there thinks there’s a weight watchers class in here too.’
I look round and see another girl walking towards me, not a care in the world, laughing at how we both made the same error. Note to self – you should be more like her instead of feeling you have to be embarrassed at going to a fat club.
Anyway, turns out the class was a corporate one and is now cancelled.
I manage to find another one along the road on a Thursday morning so I go along and find it’s held in a fancy hotel. 2 floors up meaning 4 flights of stairs and the pleasure of walking by the breakfast room on the way. If that’s not a test I don’t know what is.
The first 2 days went ok. I did eat a bag of kettle chips and jelly beans that I was bought as a gift and couldn’t turn down lol. All tracked and included in my daily points so I’ve not given in yet!
I’ve been putting it off for weeks trying to convince myself that being thinner will age my face and my Botox bill is high enough without needing anything else done, or kidding myself I’ll walk to work every day and the weight will fall off. Excuses as usual and even my normally bubbly have a laugh self is struggling to pretend I don’t mind how I look.
The summer weather takes no prisoners when you are a fat chick. Chub rub, cankles, breathlessness, boob sweat and running out of ‘flattering’ sacks to wear every day are only a few of the issues that crop up.
It’s done me a favour a made me actually take action for a change instead of allowing me to hide in leggings and tunics.
7lbs at a time, let’s see how I do. No doubt I’ll have a million mishaps and dramatic stories to share with you in the coming weeks 💋💋
What does that even mean ‘sick as a dog?’ – I need to google this at some point.
Anyway it doesn’t matter as along with a short gene, a gobby gene and thick lovely hair gene, I was gifted with the hangover munchies gene. Unfortunately I’ve rarely been the sick as a dog type and instead work my way through mountains of food after a night on the fizz.
Yesterday was the Glasgow derby as well as the cup semi final and my beloved Celtic absolutely thrashed their opponents 4-0. My plan was to drink tea and calmly watch it but other events that morning put me more on edge and I raced to the shop for prosecco. I saw it as a positive as it’s the only time you’ll really see me race or break sweat of any kind!
After the game I shared a meat feast pizza, chips and mixed pakora with a friend. The only reason being to soak up the next bottle of prosecco I was about to drink! How sensible of me don’t you agree? I didn’t race to the shop for that one, I got a lift. No point exerting myself too much. Got to look after my body😂😂😂
Then when I finally got home at 9pm, I ate 2 slice of thickly buttered toast convincing myself it was so I’d not feel so hungover the next day. I’m not 100% sure but I may have had some crisps too. There are a few empty pkts beside the bin in my room (I have a crap aim) but they could be from any day last week really.
It’s now 10.30 on Monday morning and so far I’ve eaten:
It’s not even lunchtime – come on 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
McDonalds deliver to my flat and it’s the most dangerous service I’ve ever been introduced too. Dry cheep burgers with plastic cheese seem to scream out to me when I’m hungover. I mean what even is that??
I’m determined not to get one but that won’t stop me stuffing my hungover gub with the contents of my fridge. I’m trying to watch my money as part of the lifestyle coach plan else I’d have usually got the McDonald’s dry burger (plus nuggets on the side of course) and later on a massive spicy curry.
I need a dose of the sick as a dog option. It would be horrendous but would save me plenty of “£££’s”from my purse and “lbs” from my body!
Hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Love fatty xx
Lifestyle coaching session achieved! Well the first one anyway.
Before I went to my appointment I decided in preparation for being the ‘new me’ I’d try and recreate a look based on when I felt at my most confident.
That, for me, was my teenage years. Unfortunately for me I don’t have the ability to iron my face lines (Botox appointment is so well overdue but I’m skint! – another issue to tackle!), or remove 8 stone from by body but I worked with what I had.
I wanted my hair to be as natural as I could so I left it to dry in my waves but thought I’d help it along with some oil spray. Yes, you guessed it, I ended up looking like I had dipped my head in an old chip pan.
I also decided to dig out my old pink blushers and dark eyeshadows in place of the bronzer and nude colours I wear during the day to work.
I was given a slap in the face realisation of why I had to ‘dig’ them out. I looked like coco the clown.
So to say I turned up looking like some sort of unwashed 80’s reject is being kind but at least he has seen me at my very worse.
I had no idea what to expect and was a bit apprehensive in case some overly smiley guy ran towards me and was all hugs and hyper activity.
I shouldn’t have worried as there was none of that. I had been given some home work to bring along which asked me what I wanted to achieve, what was stopping me and what I had tried before. It also asked what difference it would make to my life if I achieved my goals.
We spoke a lot about that which I enjoyed and he shared his background with me which was interesting and gave me an insight into his previous struggles, how he overcame them and how he can help me.
Then it went downhill. He got out the white board pens and drew a diagram of the brain and started to explain to me ‘Tri-Une Brain Theroy’ – it has to do with fight or flight mode and how we have 3 different parts of the brain – reptile, mammal and human.
Anyone that knows me understands I have no, ok very little, attention span. I get bored so easily and my mind wanders.
He was trying to get me to understand how the brain works and why I feel like I feel. I know for some people this is important and helps them get to grips will how they feel and behave.
For me, it makes no difference. I just want to fix it. To give him credit he did notice my wandering attention when he asked me why I wasn’t taking any notes. I tried to get out of it by saying I was planning to take a picture at the end so he took it on board that I find it difficult to learn or develop using this style.
See photo of whiteboard below, that I know I’ll never look at or try to understand again 😂😂😂😂
The first session was free so I knew it wasn’t going to be groundbreaking as he will want me to come back and pay. However he gave me enough faith that he could work with me and help me achieve some good changes in my life.
I’ve booked up for 4 sessions over the next 4 weeks and my first task is to pick my top 10 values from a list of 100. I think we then narrow this down to 3 in our session and work on who I really am, what my triggers are and how these values shape what I do.
I have no idea yet how this will make me 6 stones slimmer, financially more stable and wake up every morning with a purpose but I promised him one thing…..
I would commit to not giving up. Even if I have to take a pause or break, I won’t give up.
One thing I have in common with every failure I perceive I have had, is that I gave up. So I have promised if I try nothing else I try this!
More updates to follow next week, wish me luck
Love Fatty xx
If the term ‘fucker of a day’ needed defining – Tuesday was it. I’ve been the emotional punchbag for half of my work. Decide to leave a bit early to get away and draw a line under it as tomorrow is a new day. Only me…
1) Gets on the wrong bus and doesn’t notice as I’m daydreaming and end up half way across town towards the opposite end of where I live
2) Finally get home and spend 10 mins trying to force my key in the lock wondering why on earth I can’t get in until my downstairs neighbour opens the door to ask why I’m trying to get into his flat? Lovely jammies Jim!! Jim now thinks he was on to a good thing. Either that or he’s sitting petrified the crazy neighbour upstairs is trying to move in with him!
3) Decide to go for a bath to chill and end up scalding my feet and pulling my shower screen right off the wall in the process.
BUT the most tragic part of it all was dropping my Jaffa cakes in the scalding hot bath too
Don’t judge I drink tea/beer/prosecco and eat Jaffa cakes in the bath. I’m sure you have worst habits!
It’s times like this I hate being single. Having a partner means they’d go to the shop and replace your missing Jaffa cakes 😜
Hope your day was as fantabulous as mine 💋💋
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